Today’s blog post was supposed to be yesterday’s blog post. It was the ONE thing I was committed to getting done yesterday. And yet, it didn’t happen. The reasons why are not all that interesting, and to be honest, pretty universal. Lots going on and I’d just returned from ten days of vacation. I felt like I’d been dropped into another dimension yesterday. Everything was a struggle, including writing.
It would be easy to say that I just had too much to do and therefore I didn’t write. But that’s really not the whole truth. Maybe not even a big part of the truth. The real reason I didn’t write yesterday was because I couldn’t. I really thought it might kill me. I had not one idea. I had not one inkling of an idea. I wrote half a post before realizing that I was rambling and actually had NO direction, or point. I put my computer away and told myself that I’d come back to it later in the day, after the kids were in bed. This was, of course, unlikely. As I’ve gotten older my ability to do anything functional, let alone creative, disappears completely after 8 PM. So, as I watched the little cursor blinking on my screen at 9:50, I decided to give up the ghost and admit defeat. No blog post. I went to bed convinced that today would feel different.
This morning isn’t better. I’m still in that other dimension. The one that feels overwhelmed and cranky and sad and like I want to just go back to bed for about a week. But here I am writing anyway. What’s different today? Not much. But I did wake up this morning and get honest with myself. I let myself accept the fact that I’m limping along right now. It’s the truth. It’s what’s real. Yesterday I was in denial about this. I was confounded by how I could feel so overwhelmed and drained after just coming back from a wonderful vacation. I wanted to give myself a kick in the ass.
Accepting the reality of where you are is the first step to anything. Do I feel better having done so? Has my fog lifted? Am I up and at them today? No, no, and no. I still think writing this post might be the end of me. But instead of sitting in my swirling shame and blame and self-loathing, I’m at least in acceptance. I don’t know why I feel like this right now, but I do. And just acknowledging that is enough.
Am I alone in this? Or does this happen to others as well? How often do we rail against the reality of where we are? It’s like going down swinging, but only because you’ve knocked yourself out. The post I was going to write yesterday was about sacred pauses. Those small moments when we pause before we act. It was supposed to be uplifting and insightful, with some great advice that you could use. Instead you’re getting this post. Which is ironic, because what I couldn’t see yesterday was that I’m sitting in a pause right now. And it’s not uplifting or insightful. It’s uncomfortable as hell. I’m hoping something is going to emerge out of it, IF I’m willing to just stay here and accept where I am. Like most people, I suspect, the hardest part is sitting in my own mess.
As this posts grinds to an end, I’m pleased to report that I’m still alive. Writing did not, as it turns out, kill me. It hasn’t made me feel much better either though, except I suppose now that I might garner some sympathy over on our private Facebook group, The Circle Up Herd (you should join! it’s free, and mostly it’s more inspiring than this post). You’ll be pleased to hear that Beth will be writing next week.
Susan McCusker is the co-founder of The Circle Up Experience. She and her partner, Beth Killough, offer people the opportunity to interact with horses in order to learn more about themselves, reconnect with the natural elements of leadership, and transform their human herds.